Rock & Roll and Lettin’ It Go.

Freaky?  Weird?  Screwed up?  Did I say weird?  Kind of surreal….and out of the “is this really going down” book of situations.  This was my experience the first part of the night, last night.  Throughout this experience….my demeanor, my emotional side, and my “see it for what it is” was all intact and I was able to be objective and appreciate how fortunate I was to have a straight answer right in front of me.  Although my ego was bruised, my emotional intelligence took over to really not give a hoot.  Certainly not my loss.  I love how I am just not wasting time in my head on bullshit and just focus on what makes me feel good.  Live and let live.  You do what you want, I do what I want.  If what you do doesn’t make me comfortable or feel good, I won’t try to change it….I’ll just focus on what I’m getting out of it and if nothing or negative….just walk.  No harm….no foul.

On the other hand, the later part of the night, into the wee hours………………..the sky fell.  Completely different situation from above. An extremely close to my heart situation and although it sounds like a recording……my heart broke to pieces.  Confused, bewildered and hurt beyond words could express, I looked at the clocked that said 5AM, took my Jetblue sleeping eye cover, cranked up the air conditioning, and slowly but securely, curled up and hid my head and body under the covers hoping to escape and hide from the world while the tears rolled down my face until sleep and the emotional exhaustion took over and I fell to sleep.

Upon wakening around 2:30PM (a complete rarity for me).  The tears were still but a thought away but…thank goodness for my new found friend (band member) Chris and the understanding that musicians have of getting the crap out through music….This was how it was with my peeps (band members) from California (J Rock and Triple T).  We had that special commorodity that cannot be explained.  I think I have found this in Chris.  I call him up ”you available to help me let it out?” “Yes” he says (thank god)…and as I end this note, to make my way and get ready to sing some notes (and drink some wine and sing it hard and emotionally loud) I say…thank god for music…thank god for Rock & Roll……….!

Stairway to Heaven on Eleven(th)

Last night I had the opportunity to climb to the top of stairs and experienced a little bit of heaven.  I showed up at the Montana Studios in midtown Manhattan to watch a new found friend’s Led Zeppelin Tribute Band’s (”The Song Remains the Same”) weekly Saturday night practice and…… was blown away.  Prior to accepting the invite to go, I didn’t know what to expect.  I figured I’d probably have fun, see a garage band type pull together a few Zeppelin tunes, support my friends efforts and that would be that. 

Well, surprise, surprise.  Little did I know that I would be watching a band that is seriously authentic in portraying the sounds, sights and the “who, what and where” of Zeppelin.  

I knew I was going to be in for something good when upon arriving at 56th & 11th in search of the address where this practice was taken place (and that had also been the practice space for the likes of Zeppelin themselves along with a host of other well known Rock & Roll bands) when I hear a kind of riff coming from a window somewhere.   The kind of riff that even though you are crossing the streets of New York City trying not to get hit by a taxi, makes you stand up and take notice.  I’m thinkin’, “hey I know that sound”…………”da da dunt, da da dunt, da da dunt, da da dunt…” and as I let the “da da dunts” (Cashmere by Zeppelin) be the sound guide to lead me to my destination I say to myself…..”geez, this is going to be good”.  Little did I know how good.

What I saw was a band who is adamant on recreating the Led Zeppelin experience authentically.  A powerhouse band of perfectionists who gave me a taste of what it must have been like to experience Led Zeppelin live.  There’s a reason Zeppelin is like no other and this band shows you why.  And, this was only their band practice……! www.myspace.com/thesongremainsthesame44

Laundry (No More) Do Da Day.

Well, before I go into my laundry “sitchiation”, here I am at Mickey Spillane’s in Eastchester sitting by the open shutter type window, taking a break from a long day working at home (which by the way I did not even get to see the light of day because work is just sooooo fricking intense and thinking that I would be able to even take an afternoon stroll to the local coffee shop to get a little sunshine, just was not in the stars).

In any event, I just got here a bit ago and I have my computer whipped out on the counter-height four seater table.  While on the phone with my Aunt Susie (who else), a guy walks by….and he’s what I have now become besides myself with the handsome guys in this town…it’s rampant.  I’m serious.  Rampant.  All the dark haired-dark eyed typed that is…my achilles heel - ya know the “opposites attract” thing.  I notice it’s alot of black hair Italian type, yet at the same time - all american looking….What is it about this town?  Maybe because it’s known to be primarily Italian, my sensory pick up has never be in such a specific environment of my type?  I don’t know.

Well enough on the men thing which I find myself saying alot….So, okay, the laundry thing.  Simple and short…they pick up and deliver.  Yep.  That’s what I’m talkin’ about.  And yep, no, I don’t have a washer and dryer in my abode.  So…not only do they pick up and deliver, they even wash in cold and hang dry for you….Ah, huh! 

Well anyone who knows me will probably say here comes the Prima Donna emerging again and I say to those ignoranomouses….judge yet ye be judged.  To delegate…is the name of the game and…..smart. It is also a part of why I get labeled certain ways from certain types of people who just don’t get it.

Which brings me back to gettin’ it.  Men.  LOL.  Kidding.  Or…could it be…a freudian slip?  And why by golly do I talk about men so much…..?   I mean really Robin, get a life….”but I do, I do have one” I says to myself (as I take a sip of my Shiraz and take a quick zip look around the large, oval “Cheers-like” bar at the 35 and up aged-old type men who every 3 or so pops up a handsome one at this early 7pm-ish after work crowd of what seems to be mostly professionals - as opposed to blue collar.  Which is probably why they are here early-on as opposed to wee into the night.  Hmmm?  Another plus for this little town where I now reside).  

Happy Days

So, I have been feeling so happy lately and that weird feeling that I had in many of my blogs in the last two months has for the most part disappeared.  Did it really have everything to do with my environment?  I cannot tell you how much I LOVE where I live and my neighborhood……it is soooo me. 

Well now I need to focus and get back on the band thing….have to get it done and open by end of summer…if not sooner….I am getting things set up and have several prospective musicians ready to join the ride…..I need it.  It’s my outlet for not only music but everything else I am passsionate about in life and that’s alot!  I love alot of things…and enjoy alot of things….even if it’s sitting in my backyard, sunbathing and sippin’ a Bud Light (with Lime-was on “special” at the supermarket) while reading a fiction novel?  Something I haven’t done in a while and I love it….Speaking of supermarkets….YES!, a clean, crisp, fresh one that make you want to take out the trendy delicious recipes and entertain with good red wine, music and laughter and of course friends…although I sometimes have all that just by myself.

Anyways, I forgot my point and I’m exhausted, on the way home after stopping for a glass of Shiraz under the Grand Central Terminal indoor sky…..so…..at least I have a post that intercedes from being the immediate focus of my butt in a bathing suit….anyway…..Bronxville is up which means I’m up soon so….see ya…..

Here Comes The Sun…

 

What a beautiful perfect weather weekend it was.  You couldn’t ask for it to be better.  Not too hot, yet perfect to throw on your suit and head for the beach, relax…listen to music and just let go of any junk renting space in your head.  Bathing suits, sippin’ martinis, beach, beer, 3 bands….barbecue and…boys (a couple of dates)….not bad for a weekend that at first looked a little uneventful. 

 

 

Pole in the “Hoe”

Okay, I think I’m back.  Back on track.  Back in the saddle and smack dab back in the sack.  Hmmm?  Well not really back in the sack….at least not just yet.  Which is probably a part of my problem to begin with.  Anyways, I was thinkin’, I may be one of only a few girls/women in Westchester (who is NOT a “dancer” by trade-if you know what I mean) yet has the luck to have a “pole” in her apartment.  Yes, that’s right, my new apartment has a pole.  This pole thing seems to be the trend these days…all these gyms and dance places are offering classes that are getting housewives (if there is such a thing anymore) and singles (like myself) to take lessons on how to dance like a stripper or “strippa” as people from New York may say.  Ya know, ”Ba Da Bing”.  

Well, maybe many people do have a pole in their place but to them and in the more conservativeness of this area, it’s just a pole, holding up the rest of their house.  To me, my pole is…a pole.  Uh, huh.  That’s right.  The kind of pole that if caught looking like a pole to conservative neighbors, you say it is for hanging flowers and things all around , yeah that’s it.  Hanging flowers.  Lol.

Now, having this pole is not to say is the reason I feel back in the swing of things….(pun intended)….because pole or no pole, no flower will ever bloom genuinely if they only do so with the watering from a fellow sprout.  If the flowers happiness depends on the presence of the sprout, the flower is doomed to lose bloom.  One’s happiness should not rely on any “one” sprout…..that’s why I have five. 

Seriously, I know that wherever I have been or am right now mentally (and all that flowery psycho-babble stuff) is really good even if it’s bad…because I’m finding me.  As corny as that is…I am finding me.  

Which brings me to a whole other thought.  Men.  I know, I know….how did I go from “finding me” to a connect to ”men”?  Well all I can think of is it must be all this talk about poles (double pun intended)!

Ya know, it’s like this…you have the same amount of problems being single that you do when you are in a relationship.  You get lonely at times being single and sometimes wish you were in a relationship but don’t you remember when you were in a relationship scuffing off down the street having had “enough” wishing to hell that you were single.  It’s all vice-versa and versa-vice if you ask me.

There is always the green grass feeling when you are in a rough patch whether single or in a relationship and it’s the same every which way you go.  It’s just a matter of choosing which is more “you” when the patches are good. 

If you ask me, the challenges of a single life is one of four positions…he wants more of me-I dont like him enough, I want more of him-he doesn’t like me enough, we both want fun and no commitment-but after a while it gets played out and shallow and it’s not enough (and goes away) or you click in just the right places and ”wa-la” it’s enough, and here comes the RELATIONSHIP-with moments of scruffing down the street thinking you want out and had “enough”. 

I say keep movin’ on from the first three until wham, bam, thank you mam (or in my case “mister”) until you find that click.  If it clicks, give it a shot to see if it sticks.  Clicks don’t come around often so if you find you’re in one-give it a shot because sometimes if you don’t you may realize later what you may have had but let go.  In any event, don’t waste too much time if it’s going nowhere.  You don’t want to miss your chance at a next click. 

Now who knows which way my path will lead….will my prince charming arrive in an hour, a day, a year….ever?  Oh, the great mysteries of life…..In the meantime, I need to stay on track (now that I’m back), keep dancin’ (did I say that?) and keep my head out of that lull thing I’ve been in and…get happy.  That’s right biatch, get happy! 

Yes, there is one other thing I forgot to mention about being single, you tend to sometimes talk to yourself and call yourself names…… 

Caio (or is it Ciao)? 

Woke Up, Got out of Bed, Pulled a Comb Across My Head

Well first of all, I notice a Beatles reference having some sort of continuity in my writings (this title and the name of my blog “Oh Blog Di….”).  Secondly, that’s still kind of how I’m feeling about my life, waking up, brushing my hair, ya know the la-di-da kind of get up and kind of just be, do.  Whatever the heck I am going through is sticking and not going away. 

This morning however, I felt strong under current of an understanding that this is all about me finding my way.  That this weird, emotional, sometimes VERY lonely (which I have never experienced before in my life like this) feeling is all about me getting to the root of things, what I really want and then sprouting.  

What I just wrote gives me a feeling of excitement/hope which is what I believe is the big piece of what is missing.  It is not the kind of excitement that is false or comes from someone else but my own inner excitement about life and goals and building/producing.  That’s how I’ve been me all my life but in the last year or so….I have been so focused on just keeping my head above water and getting myself back into position so I can move forward and get back to thinking about new dreams that I lost my umph.

Anyway, on a good note, I love my new neighborhood.  Absoulutely love it and if I wasn’t in such a weird way would really be able to appreciate it.  It’s me and what I’ve been looking for.  I can’t believe how just 12 minutes (literally) from the somewhat dump I have been living at (more the surrounding area that was the dump but nevertheless) that life can be so different. 

Literally within walking distance there’s places like Mickey Spillanes or Pipers Kilt which is totally coiincidental that my Aunt brought me to the one in the Bronx last week (a dump by the way-in my opinion- and that night with my Aunt is a whole other story in itself).  Not to say the Pipers Kilt here or Mickey Spillanes is anything great as I haven’t been there yet but they are definitely a place I can see myself grabbing a hamburger and a cocktail, maybe working on my computer, and hopefully maybe they have bands there too.  

When I saw in my neighborhood there was a Cigar Lounge, a music store and a Yoga Place, a liquor store (that is open on Sundays), some really good pizza shops…and Chinese food that I don’t have to worry about creepy crawlers finding there way into if you know what I mean, I knew I landed in the right area. 

Of course, in the towns surrounding is a whole world of fine dining and living the good life.  The trail to rollerblade or bike on the side of the Bronx River goes for miles and is, what else, right down the block.  I think all this is the town of Tuckahoe bordering Eastchester. 

When I got on Metro North for the first time yesterday in the morning (which is a literally a 4 minute walk from my place-perfect!), it had a great buzz of tons of professionals walking to, getting dropped off, grabbing coffee at the station (not a Starbucks which they do however have at the ”Tuckahoe” Station before or after my station depending on whether you are coming or going).  The train is sitting there waiting for you and waiting for the exact turn of the clock hand on the scheduled departure time to close the doors and take you to the city.  Sitting comfortably with my laptop while the conductor punches your ticket on a clean train that gets you to work in 29-37 minutes (depending on which train you take) isn’t a bad way to start off the morning I must say.  I haven’t even begun to explore what this area or surrounding areas have to offer but I think I’ll be here awhile. 

See, and why am I down?  I’ve got so much to be appreciative of but I’m just not feelin’ it….reeeeaaaally feeling it like I usually do.  It’s not that my life is dead either, it’s just no matter where I go or how fun it is, when I’m done, I’m feeling weird.  Could have alot to do with some family issues that have come about and have broken my heart deeply but that is something I do not want to even address as it goes to my core and has toppled me over.

Nevertheless, it is a beautiful day today………………..and a time for appreciation of the things I do have.

A Little Cheese with that Whine?

Okay, so my last blog was a little long and a little whiney.  Although true to how I was feeling then, and if I am to have a little extra cheese for a slight more whine, a bit of how I am sporadically feeling now.  Although I see the light a little brighter now!  Halle-hecka-luyah!

I think it’s all about my upcoming move….it’s scary, working too much….and saying goodbye along with seeing all the changes and how fast I was able to get back on my feet and move upward and onward (against all the wishes of some people who wanted to see me fall, and fail). 

A big part of all the weirdness that I was feeling is I think that I have worked so much that I had lost sight of my goals and excitement of attaining those……I guess after being so aghast recently to the yuk of feeling the blues, I forced myself to dig deeper and take the time to draw out my interests again and am a bit back on track.  I’m seeing further than just my immediate surroundings which is where I think I got stuck.

Anyways….gotta go….leaving work and hopin’ on the express bus (yes, goodbye my last Wednesday night taking it home-since I’ll be moving over the weekend) and trying a burger at a Bronx joint (P&K’s on 231st Street off of Broadway) tonight with my aunt.  This is a place where I haven’t been to since I was probably 12 years old and where my ex-babysitter use to work.  Funny how life takes you in circles.

Les Miserables

I am seriously miserable.  I don’t know what is wrong.  I am completely lost and have no idea what my life is doing.  I am neither here nor there and I am just moving along.  I don’t like this.  I really hate it.  I can’t seem to kick it outside the distractions of life.    Unhappy.  Lost.  This is very unlike me.  I am bored.  I am unexcited and lack passion.  This is even more unlike me.  What happened?  Have I joined the miserables of life that I have been running from all my life.  Have I lost my spirit?  My love of life and dreams.  Goals.  Exhuberance.  Where is my exhuberance?

I’m miserable.  Where have I gone wrong?  Where am I going wrong?   Am I now a part of the reality of dead life.  I hate it.  This feels so not me.  I have become a part of the dead.  The dead lifeless lonely scared just wake up and work and survive part of the people.  Lifeless. 

I miss alot of things.  Yet I miss nothing.  I feel lonely around everyone and cannot kick the feeling of not knowing where I belong.  I am seriously miserable.  I am miserable that I am miserable.     

I need to find the culprit, or is there no answer and I will be like this forever because I’ve joined the reality of the lonely’s.  Is that what this is?  What I’m feel is going against anything I’ve ever believed I would become or would ever allow myself to become or ever wanted to become and I hate that I’m here.  Hate that I’m not blooming where I’m planted or at least not feeling like I’m blooming.  I’m doing great from all other angles, work, money, but see….it stops there….I’ve stopped just then…..is that all my life has become lately?  Work, money, survival.  Is this my problem?

I don’t know…… all I know, there are too many times that I found myself feeling weird about my life and feel completely misplaced.  Maybe I haven’t dealt with the loss of the family and family life that I had which I loved.  It was simple but I loved it.  It was simple but well rounded and full.  Am I just a family girl at heart and I have nothing of that in my life anymore and it’s affecting me?

I don’t know. 

 

The Walk and Talk of It All.

I just got on the express bus into the city on my way to work, took a seat and popped out the laptop.  I realize this is the last Friday that I will be taking this bus, this route….from the place where I have lived for the last 10 months (after relocating back from California).  Another switch.  Another change.  Isn’t that the way of life!  Goodbye Friday!  Oh boy…here comes that sentimental banter that flows through my veins, my feelings….whenever I say goodbye to almost anything that has a bit of consistency in my life. 

Yes, that’s right, I’m moving and yes I’m being sentimental over a day of the week, a bus, the emergency seat row (where I always sit because of the extended leg room so I can pop open the laptop and work or write leisurely with more ease).    Sentimental over….the black man who we pass going through Harlem who does Tai Chi with an asian coach in the middle the courtyard that connects to his project and who just recently had a 2nd person join in with him.  Obviously two people who have not let the ghetto life stop them from trying to move forward and do life.  

Goodbye big blown up rat balloon I see in the mornings as we turn onto and go down 5th Avenue.  The rat that stands tall in front of one of the new construction buildings obviously signaling a protest of some kind-probably against non-union workers. “Scabs” I think is the term used as I heard in conversations growing up in a family of the Ironworker trade.  

You see, to me, it’s not just the last ”Friday” I will ride this bus, it connects to other things….like it’s really the last time I’ll be in this neighborhood, be with these people, be with the memories but more importantly, it’s knowing I won’t be back. 

Although I will not be sad to leave those bugs (I can’t say the name because it will get me skeevy and jumpy) that one sometimes bumps into, ewwwww! on the street when the weather gets hot, or even the human creepy crawlers that you bump into who tend to have the mentality to throw trash on the street or out their windows even.  I won’t miss that….I’ll miss…..oh….who knows….it’s that goodbye process thing with me that gets me into this melancholy boo-hoo wala wala wah wah mode.  This is when I have to get a grip and trigger the “don’t think about it, move on, next! and just move forward” mode.  

Funny, how when you write, things come to the surface unexpectedly.  I had no clue what I was going to write about when I flipped open this rectangular box of technology.    I haven’t really been thinkin’ about the move as I’ve been so wrapped up in work and trying to sneak in as much social stuff that I can so I don’t turn into Jack Nicholson in The Shining…..all work and no fun makes…..you know the rest.  But the move is obviously “playing in Peoria” and needs to be addressed (pun intended!). 

I’m excited and scared at the same time.  Yet still la-di-da about it.  I think I’m blocking alot of things and have had an underlying lull going on for some time that I can’t explain.  A sense of feeling misplaced.  Like I really don’t know where I belong so I am just going with the flow until I do. 

It’s really weird and I don’t like it.  It’s not in the forefront of my life but seems to show up many times when I am alone or at times when I end up at a place or with a crowd that lack a certain sophistication or class.  This is when this feeling comes on really strong.  I’ve encounted this a few times lately.  I hate it.  I hate being around it.  I don’t know why it bothers me so much.  It really gets to me.

With that, I have been realizing how important it is to talk things out.  To get to what’s really going on with me.  So, last night I got home around 9pm and what a beautiful day it was.  Couldn’t stay in.  Went to me my favorite little “joint” so to speak, An Beal Bocht in the Bronx (of all places) and of course some of the regulars were there who I really enjoy hanging out with and have started to open up to. 

As with anything, sometimes it’s a spark of a night with good conversation and rockin’ music, and sometimes it’s just sitting around, sometimes even a little boring.  Simple.  But as I’m learning, sometimes simple is good.  

In any case, it’s my little santuary I think where I feel really comfortable and have made some good young and old-timer sort of friends.  It’s a place where on any given night you don’t know what to expect.  One thing you can expect is, always some sort of music.  Could be a one man guitar player or a quieter Irish Quartet or sometimes like on “mic night” on Tuesdays you might get a snippet of an opera singer followed by a 3 piece start-up heavy metal (kind of) band.  Sometimes, it’s an alternative/rock band like the one in from Chicago like last Sunday night - yes, Sunday.

What a pleasant surprise when I decided to pop on up over last Sunday night thinking it’ll be just a low-profile kind of slow night when “SHAZAM” this band was there and rocking the house.  They were outstanding.     

Always an interesting gathering of people and it’s not the beer guzzling college rumble crowd or the missed the boat (rather never looked for the boat) white trash-who think they have class-ding dongs who find recreation by going to the “DR” (Dominican Republic) as they call it here in the Bronx to pay 14 year old prostitutes to be with and come back to high fives with fellow white trashers who look at each other winking as if they are hot ramblin’ players in the groove of being a wanted man with the ladies.  Yes.  This is true.  It is also quite pathetic.  Especially when they give me a look and think they have the goods (now that they are in the groove with the ladies - yes, said with sarcasm) to comment amongst each other and try to be endearing with me.  Ewwwwwwwww.  I think it bothers me because I have to be communicative with these people as they are 6 degrees of separation with some folks I know.  Ewwwwww.  So although everyone has skeletons in their closets, this particular low-life type erks me and you won’t find at An Beal Bacht or at least not on a regulur basis. 

Anyway, the last couple of weeks, I have been opening up and talking about some things that are bothering me.  I’ve noticed that I have developed, in the last couple of years keeping alot of stuff to myself, inside.   I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have the energy to talk about it, don’t find it necessary, don’t want to deal with it or just don’t see the need.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I have seen a tremendous understanding about a few things in my life because I opened up.  Maybe it’s that I am talking to the right people who have the wisdom as they’ve been around.  Whatever it is, I know I have an underlying lul going on.  I also know a few things that help get you through some hard times or just help keep you on track with the good times.  It is to talk to the right people, write and…. take a good hard walk or work out like there’s no tomorrow.  

So hopefully, as I see we are approaching my stop, I will get down to the bottom of this lull one of these days and take it from there.  In the meantime…..goodbye my last Friday on the express bus route to the city 4/25/08!  I’ll be seein’ ya!