Getting Back Into The Blog Of Things

Okay, I finally feel like I am getting a little bit of a grip on my life and hope to be getting into this blog thing more seriously and frequently. I have been really scattered and have not felt like I have had my wits about me for many months now. I feel now though, that it’s coming back and I feel like me again. I really felt my life became “unmanagable” and I couldn’t get it together – in terms of what my doctor said was “avoiding mental tasks”.
It was suggested that I had too much on my plate, especially with the “dddddddadadidi…di..vorce. There. I said it. Dislike the word. Makes me feel common. Or maybe, it’s more that I don’t feel I was married and then to have a divorce on my record seems to fall on my shoulders as a wasted notch on my belt. I’m rather shamed or embarrassed even to admit I was ever even married to that guy I use to be married to. It’s weird. Like it was a million years ago…..I see so many things clearly now…….but as I was saying, it was suggested that the stress of the divorce, was creating avoidance and procrastination with anything that looked too complicated or overwhelming to do. I found myself happy and free and bringing on alot of fun things or new things but when it came down to tackling “that pile over there”, I couldn’t do it….I avoided it like the plague and thus, let some things slip through that I shouldn’t. Like clients orders etc. The divorce I realize, has had a bigger effect on me than I thought. It played on me in deeper, more profound way rather than obvious. I really felt I lost a grip on my business (I’m self-employed), my bills and really anything that had to do with putting two and two together. I just couldn’t think it through. I was surely able to do things that didn’t require mechanical thinking i.e. fun, fun, fun and things that are enjoyable to me. I asked my doctor if he saw that as a problem as it seemed a little over done to me and that I was concerned and he said “it sounds to me, that you are doing things that make you feel good”. He nailed it! That’s what it was (is?). I’ve been doing things that make me feel good. I guess because underneath it all, I’ve been affected or overwhelmed much more than I thought and doing things that were not a struggle, helped me deal.
So……my grip feels as if it has returned. I hope not temporarily. We’ll see. I’ve got so many things I want to do and I need my grip to do them! Or at least to do them well!!!
Life is good……
Robin

The Big D

Oh yes, it is The Big D. Could stand for The Big Day, The Big D*#K, or like it was meant…The Big Divorce but any of these will do, especially maybe The Big D*#k. Today was the first court hearing day of my divorce and it all feels like a blog, I mean a blur. I’m astounded by the way in which many attorneys seem clueless and actually stupid and it seems that many decisions are made, at least in the temporary stages of it all, based on which attorney can spin or divert the best. I felt nothing seeing my soon to be ex which is a milestone for me. Nothing in terms of wanting to be in his company or him in mine or his presence in my life. I’ve really moved on and it is quite interesting and freeing. For so very long, I did not think I could be free of the pain associated with knowing the relationship is going bye-bye and never seeing that one or sharing the same way again. But, I feel so full in my life and he was a storybook in the many novels of my life that was and is to be.

My Virgin Blog

Here’s to, my first blog! My original title for my space was “Making Vows That Just Didn’t Turn Out Right. Ooh Yeah, Ooh Ooh Yeah” from the Led Zepplin song titled “Rock and Roll”. At the time (yesterday), I guess I was still seeing myself as a newly separated woman in the throws of divorce or dissolution as California so eloquently refers to it as, and having the “dissolution” be a large part of my identity. As I closed out the space for the evening, not having added anything else to it just yet, the title of my space or rather, my space “debut” didn’t quite sit right. I was too tired to think any further about it and promptly hit the hay (note the cowboy-cowgirl reference in the choice of using the word “hay”?).
As for today, awoken and refreshed, I had an undeniable determination to revamp that old wounded title, scorn it and toss it like sheets to the wind, and replace it with a title that goes to the center of my being and which speaks very much of the seriousness of my nature. And it goes a little something like this….hit it! (musical reference)….Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy”
Yeehooo! or is it Yeehaw!!! (originally written on August 20, 2005 through msn-spaces)