Hell Yeah!

Well…it’s done.  I nailed the drummer.  In this case, nailing the drummer meaning his acceptance in joining the band.  Which is what went down last night (Saturday Night).

Since the moment I saw this drummer play, he sent every cell in my body stir crazy.  A powerhouse.  When he showed an interest in my band and then accepted an invite to come by to play with the band and feel things out, I was besides myself and very excited …but more importantly scared shitless. 

I knew this drummer was not one who would just join any band regardless of any blonde, big-boobed babe that might have first inspired him to do so.  Not saying this was the case but nevertheless whatever may have drove him to be interested to begin with would not sustain him if the band he would be playing with did not have what it takes and that was made very clear to me up front.

Interestingly enough, I saw a major shift in my own thinking of what I wanted to do with music once this interest was shown.  I went from being happy enough just to have band practice and a gig here or there to all of a sudden writing songs and seeing a bigger and more serious take on the Rock & Roll scene.  I guess having the possible opportunity to have someone on board who I thought was that good and a “perfectionist” in his music, up’d the ante for me and I saw myself wanting to rise to the occassion.  I believe it touched something inside of me that was already there but was now being motivated to cultivate.

Nevertheless, I was quite intimidated and very nervous when last night we were all meeting to feel each other out, to include the guitarist,who was originally on board but with the understanding that he had another band that was “first” before I ever came along, who had been kind of slipping away from our band because he was getting stretched too thin and finding his other projects more appealing.  That was until last night…

The night started we me worrying that I had alot to lose if we all didn’t “gel” or “I” wasn’t up to par.  There was the possible loss of the drummer (who I didn’t even have yet), my guitarist (who was also using last night as a measuring stick if he should stay on board any longer) and then there was the bass player, who I wasn’t sure was on board with me regardless or because he liked playing with the guitarist and if the guitarist was goin’ bye-bye, maybe he’d be too. 

If any of this was to happen, I knew I would be doubting myself and thinking maybe I was seeing this Rock & Roll thing through rose-colored glasses and that all my desire and what I see as a need to express myself through Rock & Roll would have to be denied and channeled somewhere else?  Where?  I could not fathom anything else having that much passion in my bones. 

This was the risk I was taking by “suiting up and showing up” last night.  Seeing my truth and facing it regardless.  I couldn’t live with myself if I gave into the fear and didn’t go.  I had to go for it.  This was a shot to take me to where I now understood very well where I wanted to go.  With musicians I respect who I could feel in my gut should/would be with me on stage.

But…”those thoughts” would creep in…Maybe I wasn’t ”good enough” or “up to par” with these talented and experienced musicians.  What if my voice wasn’t working the way it could…what if I forget the words and look unprofessional or too green.  What if, what if and then I said, “STOP”.  Just do.  Don’t think.  Just go.  Be.  Do your best.  Commit.  Think performance level.  Get out of your way.  Most importantly, don’t give a hoot what anyone else is thinking and who will stay or who will go and “fuck it”.  If things don’t go as planned.  “Next.”  If they don’t want to be on board.  “Next.”  Make it happen somewhere and/or with someone else.  Like any other relationship, there’s more fish in the sea.

So with a little help from a quick shot of Amaretto that I chug-a-lugg-a-lug-ed-ded (by sneaking out 10 minutes before showtime to a local pub around the corner from the studio where we were practicing in downtown-Manhattan) the show went on…..

We played as if we had been playing together for a long time.  An almost groove that we each fit just right in this little puzzle that we had.  We all knew most of the songs that were on the list or tossed out impromptu and if anything, just needed a little tweaking here or there.  I don’t think anyone would have believed it was our first time together and we shot out a number of songs that would have been right-on even in a professional situation which in my experience is quite uncommon with first time band practices.  We just clicked.  There was no doubt a sense that we all belonged right where we were and I think we all knew it.

So to make this long story short…..there is a new Rock & Roll band about to emerge that is going to rock your socks off…..so stay tuned (pun intended)…..and can anybody say “hell yeah”!

Woke Up, Got out of Bed, Pulled a Comb Across My Head

Well first of all, I notice a Beatles reference having some sort of continuity in my writings (this title and the name of my blog “Oh Blog Di….”).  Secondly, that’s still kind of how I’m feeling about my life, waking up, brushing my hair, ya know the la-di-da kind of get up and kind of just be, do.  Whatever the heck I am going through is sticking and not going away. 

This morning however, I felt strong under current of an understanding that this is all about me finding my way.  That this weird, emotional, sometimes VERY lonely (which I have never experienced before in my life like this) feeling is all about me getting to the root of things, what I really want and then sprouting.  

What I just wrote gives me a feeling of excitement/hope which is what I believe is the big piece of what is missing.  It is not the kind of excitement that is false or comes from someone else but my own inner excitement about life and goals and building/producing.  That’s how I’ve been me all my life but in the last year or so….I have been so focused on just keeping my head above water and getting myself back into position so I can move forward and get back to thinking about new dreams that I lost my umph.

Anyway, on a good note, I love my new neighborhood.  Absoulutely love it and if I wasn’t in such a weird way would really be able to appreciate it.  It’s me and what I’ve been looking for.  I can’t believe how just 12 minutes (literally) from the somewhat dump I have been living at (more the surrounding area that was the dump but nevertheless) that life can be so different. 

Literally within walking distance there’s places like Mickey Spillanes or Pipers Kilt which is totally coiincidental that my Aunt brought me to the one in the Bronx last week (a dump by the way-in my opinion- and that night with my Aunt is a whole other story in itself).  Not to say the Pipers Kilt here or Mickey Spillanes is anything great as I haven’t been there yet but they are definitely a place I can see myself grabbing a hamburger and a cocktail, maybe working on my computer, and hopefully maybe they have bands there too.  

When I saw in my neighborhood there was a Cigar Lounge, a music store and a Yoga Place, a liquor store (that is open on Sundays), some really good pizza shops…and Chinese food that I don’t have to worry about creepy crawlers finding there way into if you know what I mean, I knew I landed in the right area. 

Of course, in the towns surrounding is a whole world of fine dining and living the good life.  The trail to rollerblade or bike on the side of the Bronx River goes for miles and is, what else, right down the block.  I think all this is the town of Tuckahoe bordering Eastchester. 

When I got on Metro North for the first time yesterday in the morning (which is a literally a 4 minute walk from my place-perfect!), it had a great buzz of tons of professionals walking to, getting dropped off, grabbing coffee at the station (not a Starbucks which they do however have at the ”Tuckahoe” Station before or after my station depending on whether you are coming or going).  The train is sitting there waiting for you and waiting for the exact turn of the clock hand on the scheduled departure time to close the doors and take you to the city.  Sitting comfortably with my laptop while the conductor punches your ticket on a clean train that gets you to work in 29-37 minutes (depending on which train you take) isn’t a bad way to start off the morning I must say.  I haven’t even begun to explore what this area or surrounding areas have to offer but I think I’ll be here awhile. 

See, and why am I down?  I’ve got so much to be appreciative of but I’m just not feelin’ it….reeeeaaaally feeling it like I usually do.  It’s not that my life is dead either, it’s just no matter where I go or how fun it is, when I’m done, I’m feeling weird.  Could have alot to do with some family issues that have come about and have broken my heart deeply but that is something I do not want to even address as it goes to my core and has toppled me over.

Nevertheless, it is a beautiful day today………………..and a time for appreciation of the things I do have.

Les Miserables

I am seriously miserable.  I don’t know what is wrong.  I am completely lost and have no idea what my life is doing.  I am neither here nor there and I am just moving along.  I don’t like this.  I really hate it.  I can’t seem to kick it outside the distractions of life.    Unhappy.  Lost.  This is very unlike me.  I am bored.  I am unexcited and lack passion.  This is even more unlike me.  What happened?  Have I joined the miserables of life that I have been running from all my life.  Have I lost my spirit?  My love of life and dreams.  Goals.  Exhuberance.  Where is my exhuberance?

I’m miserable.  Where have I gone wrong?  Where am I going wrong?   Am I now a part of the reality of dead life.  I hate it.  This feels so not me.  I have become a part of the dead.  The dead lifeless lonely scared just wake up and work and survive part of the people.  Lifeless. 

I miss alot of things.  Yet I miss nothing.  I feel lonely around everyone and cannot kick the feeling of not knowing where I belong.  I am seriously miserable.  I am miserable that I am miserable.     

I need to find the culprit, or is there no answer and I will be like this forever because I’ve joined the reality of the lonely’s.  Is that what this is?  What I’m feel is going against anything I’ve ever believed I would become or would ever allow myself to become or ever wanted to become and I hate that I’m here.  Hate that I’m not blooming where I’m planted or at least not feeling like I’m blooming.  I’m doing great from all other angles, work, money, but see….it stops there….I’ve stopped just then…..is that all my life has become lately?  Work, money, survival.  Is this my problem?

I don’t know…… all I know, there are too many times that I found myself feeling weird about my life and feel completely misplaced.  Maybe I haven’t dealt with the loss of the family and family life that I had which I loved.  It was simple but I loved it.  It was simple but well rounded and full.  Am I just a family girl at heart and I have nothing of that in my life anymore and it’s affecting me?

I don’t know. 

 

Never Been More True

It’s never been more true for me than it is right now. Building toward your dreams, no matter the obstacles, no matter the failures in between. Those failures are just stepping stones to success, if you don’t let them keep you down.

Another One Bites The Dust

Another one bites the dust. In this case biting the dust has a positive conotation. I bit off another piece of my dream. I am officially in a rock and roll band and I am the featured singer. This is just another notch on my belief that if you build it, it will come. No matter what, unless it is not your destiny. It’s never too late to be what you could have been.