Ch Ch Ch Changes…

Life.  Hmm.  Life.  Very difficult at times.  Yes, you have to take the bitter with the better but my bitter has built and I don’t like it.  I’m synical where I use to be positive.  Disenchanted when I use to see the silver lining.  I feel challenged on so many levels.  I see such self-centeredness all around me.  I’m sure I must be the same.  There’s seems nothing to ever hold on to….everything can change.  Everything does change.  What stays the same is you’ve got you.  That’s it. 

Human nature is really screwy and disheartening.  I see alot of hardness.  Is it East Coast mentality that I am seeing?   Survival of the swiftest, the roughest, the streetsmartedness?  Or is it seeing life as it is without distractions like I had in place before?  Like kids, family, dogs, houses…ya know…all that stuff.  I’m not sure I quite like any of this.  Actually, I am quite sure I don’t like any of this.  The dysfunction that is so rampant.  I’m quite lonely about this.  Meaning I don’t know where to go with this.  Who to relate to on this, if anyone.  I don’t like it. 

I’d much rather be waking up feeling the sunshine and recognizing how brightly the tulip bloomed in a pink hue while running off to work in high spirits of a booming day.  Right now, that’s intermittent and I feel like life is a hustle and bustle and a street game of every man for himself.  An almost layer of protection that everyone seems to have developed or that has become a learned behavior from parents who had it rough, or from surviving and growing up by or in a big city.  Safeguarding from the realities of the world that have challenged some to the point of creating a solid cocoon or who were taught or challenged to ‘”give in” or “settle” to a dead kind of safe life.  I don’t know.  Am I looking at the glass half-empty when I use to see it half-full?  Or have I come to see reality for what it is? I don’t know.  Maybe it’s me.

Rock & Roll and Lettin’ It Go.

Freaky?  Weird?  Screwed up?  Did I say weird?  Kind of surreal….and out of the “is this really going down” book of situations.  This was my experience the first part of the night, last night.  Throughout this experience….my demeanor, my emotional side, and my “see it for what it is” was all intact and I was able to be objective and appreciate how fortunate I was to have a straight answer right in front of me.  Although my ego was bruised, my emotional intelligence took over to really not give a hoot.  Certainly not my loss.  I love how I am just not wasting time in my head on bullshit and just focus on what makes me feel good.  Live and let live.  You do what you want, I do what I want.  If what you do doesn’t make me comfortable or feel good, I won’t try to change it….I’ll just focus on what I’m getting out of it and if nothing or negative….just walk.  No harm….no foul.

On the other hand, the later part of the night, into the wee hours………………..the sky fell.  Completely different situation from above. An extremely close to my heart situation and although it sounds like a recording……my heart broke to pieces.  Confused, bewildered and hurt beyond words could express, I looked at the clocked that said 5AM, took my Jetblue sleeping eye cover, cranked up the air conditioning, and slowly but securely, curled up and hid my head and body under the covers hoping to escape and hide from the world while the tears rolled down my face until sleep and the emotional exhaustion took over and I fell to sleep.

Upon wakening around 2:30PM (a complete rarity for me).  The tears were still but a thought away but…thank goodness for my new found friend (band member) Chris and the understanding that musicians have of getting the crap out through music….This was how it was with my peeps (band members) from California (J Rock and Triple T).  We had that special commorodity that cannot be explained.  I think I have found this in Chris.  I call him up ”you available to help me let it out?” “Yes” he says (thank god)…and as I end this note, to make my way and get ready to sing some notes (and drink some wine and sing it hard and emotionally loud) I say…thank god for music…thank god for Rock & Roll……….!

Pole in the “Hoe”

Okay, I think I’m back.  Back on track.  Back in the saddle and smack dab back in the sack.  Hmmm?  Well not really back in the sack….at least not just yet.  Which is probably a part of my problem to begin with.  Anyways, I was thinkin’, I may be one of only a few girls/women in Westchester (who is NOT a “dancer” by trade-if you know what I mean) yet has the luck to have a “pole” in her apartment.  Yes, that’s right, my new apartment has a pole.  This pole thing seems to be the trend these days…all these gyms and dance places are offering classes that are getting housewives (if there is such a thing anymore) and singles (like myself) to take lessons on how to dance like a stripper or “strippa” as people from New York may say.  Ya know, ”Ba Da Bing”.  

Well, maybe many people do have a pole in their place but to them and in the more conservativeness of this area, it’s just a pole, holding up the rest of their house.  To me, my pole is…a pole.  Uh, huh.  That’s right.  The kind of pole that if caught looking like a pole to conservative neighbors, you say it is for hanging flowers and things all around , yeah that’s it.  Hanging flowers.  Lol.

Now, having this pole is not to say is the reason I feel back in the swing of things….(pun intended)….because pole or no pole, no flower will ever bloom genuinely if they only do so with the watering from a fellow sprout.  If the flowers happiness depends on the presence of the sprout, the flower is doomed to lose bloom.  One’s happiness should not rely on any “one” sprout…..that’s why I have five. 

Seriously, I know that wherever I have been or am right now mentally (and all that flowery psycho-babble stuff) is really good even if it’s bad…because I’m finding me.  As corny as that is…I am finding me.  

Which brings me to a whole other thought.  Men.  I know, I know….how did I go from “finding me” to a connect to ”men”?  Well all I can think of is it must be all this talk about poles (double pun intended)!

Ya know, it’s like this…you have the same amount of problems being single that you do when you are in a relationship.  You get lonely at times being single and sometimes wish you were in a relationship but don’t you remember when you were in a relationship scuffing off down the street having had “enough” wishing to hell that you were single.  It’s all vice-versa and versa-vice if you ask me.

There is always the green grass feeling when you are in a rough patch whether single or in a relationship and it’s the same every which way you go.  It’s just a matter of choosing which is more “you” when the patches are good. 

If you ask me, the challenges of a single life is one of four positions…he wants more of me-I dont like him enough, I want more of him-he doesn’t like me enough, we both want fun and no commitment-but after a while it gets played out and shallow and it’s not enough (and goes away) or you click in just the right places and ”wa-la” it’s enough, and here comes the RELATIONSHIP-with moments of scruffing down the street thinking you want out and had “enough”. 

I say keep movin’ on from the first three until wham, bam, thank you mam (or in my case “mister”) until you find that click.  If it clicks, give it a shot to see if it sticks.  Clicks don’t come around often so if you find you’re in one-give it a shot because sometimes if you don’t you may realize later what you may have had but let go.  In any event, don’t waste too much time if it’s going nowhere.  You don’t want to miss your chance at a next click. 

Now who knows which way my path will lead….will my prince charming arrive in an hour, a day, a year….ever?  Oh, the great mysteries of life…..In the meantime, I need to stay on track (now that I’m back), keep dancin’ (did I say that?) and keep my head out of that lull thing I’ve been in and…get happy.  That’s right biatch, get happy! 

Yes, there is one other thing I forgot to mention about being single, you tend to sometimes talk to yourself and call yourself names…… 

Caio (or is it Ciao)? 

Les Miserables

I am seriously miserable.  I don’t know what is wrong.  I am completely lost and have no idea what my life is doing.  I am neither here nor there and I am just moving along.  I don’t like this.  I really hate it.  I can’t seem to kick it outside the distractions of life.    Unhappy.  Lost.  This is very unlike me.  I am bored.  I am unexcited and lack passion.  This is even more unlike me.  What happened?  Have I joined the miserables of life that I have been running from all my life.  Have I lost my spirit?  My love of life and dreams.  Goals.  Exhuberance.  Where is my exhuberance?

I’m miserable.  Where have I gone wrong?  Where am I going wrong?   Am I now a part of the reality of dead life.  I hate it.  This feels so not me.  I have become a part of the dead.  The dead lifeless lonely scared just wake up and work and survive part of the people.  Lifeless. 

I miss alot of things.  Yet I miss nothing.  I feel lonely around everyone and cannot kick the feeling of not knowing where I belong.  I am seriously miserable.  I am miserable that I am miserable.     

I need to find the culprit, or is there no answer and I will be like this forever because I’ve joined the reality of the lonely’s.  Is that what this is?  What I’m feel is going against anything I’ve ever believed I would become or would ever allow myself to become or ever wanted to become and I hate that I’m here.  Hate that I’m not blooming where I’m planted or at least not feeling like I’m blooming.  I’m doing great from all other angles, work, money, but see….it stops there….I’ve stopped just then…..is that all my life has become lately?  Work, money, survival.  Is this my problem?

I don’t know…… all I know, there are too many times that I found myself feeling weird about my life and feel completely misplaced.  Maybe I haven’t dealt with the loss of the family and family life that I had which I loved.  It was simple but I loved it.  It was simple but well rounded and full.  Am I just a family girl at heart and I have nothing of that in my life anymore and it’s affecting me?

I don’t know. 

 

Life Is Good

You betcha!