Les Miserables

I am seriously miserable.  I don’t know what is wrong.  I am completely lost and have no idea what my life is doing.  I am neither here nor there and I am just moving along.  I don’t like this.  I really hate it.  I can’t seem to kick it outside the distractions of life.    Unhappy.  Lost.  This is very unlike me.  I am bored.  I am unexcited and lack passion.  This is even more unlike me.  What happened?  Have I joined the miserables of life that I have been running from all my life.  Have I lost my spirit?  My love of life and dreams.  Goals.  Exhuberance.  Where is my exhuberance?

I’m miserable.  Where have I gone wrong?  Where am I going wrong?   Am I now a part of the reality of dead life.  I hate it.  This feels so not me.  I have become a part of the dead.  The dead lifeless lonely scared just wake up and work and survive part of the people.  Lifeless. 

I miss alot of things.  Yet I miss nothing.  I feel lonely around everyone and cannot kick the feeling of not knowing where I belong.  I am seriously miserable.  I am miserable that I am miserable.     

I need to find the culprit, or is there no answer and I will be like this forever because I’ve joined the reality of the lonely’s.  Is that what this is?  What I’m feel is going against anything I’ve ever believed I would become or would ever allow myself to become or ever wanted to become and I hate that I’m here.  Hate that I’m not blooming where I’m planted or at least not feeling like I’m blooming.  I’m doing great from all other angles, work, money, but see….it stops there….I’ve stopped just then…..is that all my life has become lately?  Work, money, survival.  Is this my problem?

I don’t know…… all I know, there are too many times that I found myself feeling weird about my life and feel completely misplaced.  Maybe I haven’t dealt with the loss of the family and family life that I had which I loved.  It was simple but I loved it.  It was simple but well rounded and full.  Am I just a family girl at heart and I have nothing of that in my life anymore and it’s affecting me?

I don’t know. 

 

Lul of the Air

There are those Sundays that lay with a lul in the air that feels lonesome .  Today was like that.  At least for me.  It is especially apparent, this lul, with the winter days that are starting to show up here in New York.  As beautiful as New York is during the fall, and it is quite gorgeous, when it is met with a bit of gloom overcast on a Sunday, it can feel what I can only describe as this lul.  A certain lonesomeness.  Maybe it’s just me.  I don’t know.

Usually for me, days like these in my past were met with coziness, fireplaces, cooking, a good movie, wine, or a project going on, my daughter running in and out or caught up on her computer in her room, my boyfriend or husband at the time doing his thing around the house or with me.  My projects were my house, cabin, business, entertaining, building a family and a warm fun contented life. 

Today, I am not there and I have to remember that it doesn’t mean I won’t be.  It will again.   I am just adjusting to my life taking a 360 turn.  I happen to turn on the tv and Castaway with Tom Hanks was on and it made me feel alot better and I also realize that everyone goes through times of lonesomeness and it’s okay.  Just get through it…….and it will pass.