I just got on the express bus into the city on my way to work, took a seat and popped out the laptop. I realize this is the last Friday that I will be taking this bus, this route….from the place where I have lived for the last 10 months (after relocating back from California). Another switch. Another change. Isn’t that the way of life! Goodbye Friday! Oh boy…here comes that sentimental banter that flows through my veins, my feelings….whenever I say goodbye to almost anything that has a bit of consistency in my life.
Yes, that’s right, I’m moving and yes I’m being sentimental over a day of the week, a bus, the emergency seat row (where I always sit because of the extended leg room so I can pop open the laptop and work or write leisurely with more ease). Sentimental over….the black man who we pass going through Harlem who does Tai Chi with an asian coach in the middle the courtyard that connects to his project and who just recently had a 2nd person join in with him. Obviously two people who have not let the ghetto life stop them from trying to move forward and do life.
Goodbye big blown up rat balloon I see in the mornings as we turn onto and go down 5th Avenue. The rat that stands tall in front of one of the new construction buildings obviously signaling a protest of some kind-probably against non-union workers. “Scabs” I think is the term used as I heard in conversations growing up in a family of the Ironworker trade.
You see, to me, it’s not just the last ”Friday” I will ride this bus, it connects to other things….like it’s really the last time I’ll be in this neighborhood, be with these people, be with the memories but more importantly, it’s knowing I won’t be back.
Although I will not be sad to leave those bugs (I can’t say the name because it will get me skeevy and jumpy) that one sometimes bumps into, ewwwww! on the street when the weather gets hot, or even the human creepy crawlers that you bump into who tend to have the mentality to throw trash on the street or out their windows even. I won’t miss that….I’ll miss…..oh….who knows….it’s that goodbye process thing with me that gets me into this melancholy boo-hoo wala wala wah wah mode. This is when I have to get a grip and trigger the “don’t think about it, move on, next! and just move forward” mode.
Funny, how when you write, things come to the surface unexpectedly. I had no clue what I was going to write about when I flipped open this rectangular box of technology. I haven’t really been thinkin’ about the move as I’ve been so wrapped up in work and trying to sneak in as much social stuff that I can so I don’t turn into Jack Nicholson in The Shining…..all work and no fun makes…..you know the rest. But the move is obviously “playing in Peoria” and needs to be addressed (pun intended!).
I’m excited and scared at the same time. Yet still la-di-da about it. I think I’m blocking alot of things and have had an underlying lull going on for some time that I can’t explain. A sense of feeling misplaced. Like I really don’t know where I belong so I am just going with the flow until I do.
It’s really weird and I don’t like it. It’s not in the forefront of my life but seems to show up many times when I am alone or at times when I end up at a place or with a crowd that lack a certain sophistication or class. This is when this feeling comes on really strong. I’ve encounted this a few times lately. I hate it. I hate being around it. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. It really gets to me.
With that, I have been realizing how important it is to talk things out. To get to what’s really going on with me. So, last night I got home around 9pm and what a beautiful day it was. Couldn’t stay in. Went to me my favorite little “joint” so to speak, An Beal Bocht in the Bronx (of all places) and of course some of the regulars were there who I really enjoy hanging out with and have started to open up to.
As with anything, sometimes it’s a spark of a night with good conversation and rockin’ music, and sometimes it’s just sitting around, sometimes even a little boring. Simple. But as I’m learning, sometimes simple is good.
In any case, it’s my little santuary I think where I feel really comfortable and have made some good young and old-timer sort of friends. It’s a place where on any given night you don’t know what to expect. One thing you can expect is, always some sort of music. Could be a one man guitar player or a quieter Irish Quartet or sometimes like on “mic night” on Tuesdays you might get a snippet of an opera singer followed by a 3 piece start-up heavy metal (kind of) band. Sometimes, it’s an alternative/rock band like the one in from Chicago like last Sunday night - yes, Sunday.
What a pleasant surprise when I decided to pop on up over last Sunday night thinking it’ll be just a low-profile kind of slow night when “SHAZAM” this band was there and rocking the house. They were outstanding.
Always an interesting gathering of people and it’s not the beer guzzling college rumble crowd or the missed the boat (rather never looked for the boat) white trash-who think they have class-ding dongs who find recreation by going to the “DR” (Dominican Republic) as they call it here in the Bronx to pay 14 year old prostitutes to be with and come back to high fives with fellow white trashers who look at each other winking as if they are hot ramblin’ players in the groove of being a wanted man with the ladies. Yes. This is true. It is also quite pathetic. Especially when they give me a look and think they have the goods (now that they are in the groove with the ladies – yes, said with sarcasm) to comment amongst each other and try to be endearing with me. Ewwwwwwwww. I think it bothers me because I have to be communicative with these people as they are 6 degrees of separation with some folks I know. Ewwwwww. So although everyone has skeletons in their closets, this particular low-life type erks me and you won’t find at An Beal Bacht or at least not on a regulur basis.
Anyway, the last couple of weeks, I have been opening up and talking about some things that are bothering me. I’ve noticed that I have developed, in the last couple of years keeping alot of stuff to myself, inside. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have the energy to talk about it, don’t find it necessary, don’t want to deal with it or just don’t see the need. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have seen a tremendous understanding about a few things in my life because I opened up. Maybe it’s that I am talking to the right people who have the wisdom as they’ve been around. Whatever it is, I know I have an underlying lul going on. I also know a few things that help get you through some hard times or just help keep you on track with the good times. It is to talk to the right people, write and…. take a good hard walk or work out like there’s no tomorrow.
So hopefully, as I see we are approaching my stop, I will get down to the bottom of this lull one of these days and take it from there. In the meantime…..goodbye my last Friday on the express bus route to the city 4/25/08! I’ll be seein’ ya!
