I feel I have lost my trust with God and it is not good. Yes, maybe I am tired and emotional from the long weekend and the sun but I can’t deny feeling very disappointed and extraordinarily hurt and broken-hearted by many things and many people in my life. More importantly I am exhausted from always having to be the one that everyone thinks is so strong and could handle anything. I am tired of not being able to let my hair down. I can’t ever remember when I could.
I am pissed that I am the after effect of a dysfunctional family and can’t specifically bounce off those effects with just a quick click of the switch. I am disappointed that I sometimes get attracted to men who I think are great supportive strong men up front who end up being weak and oblivious to any real emotion and who for the life of them couldn’t see value in me if you stuck it up their ass. I am sometimes attracted to the guy who is an underdog in one way or the other and I really enjoy making him shine but then…..it bites me one way or the other. That’s my problem in a nutshell. I have to remember this.
So now that I know my problem, where’s my freaking Paul Newman or Kevin Bacon? These men with staying power who understand what they have and what they would lose if they were to lose it. Integrity. Class. Trust. Stand by your woman kind of man. Is it really all about, “oh gee my father left when I was a kid and never saw him again so therefore I reach or yearn for that same mentality to somehow re-adjust my feeling of being tossed to the wind like a disposable bean”? Attracting weak men who are so self-absorbed with what they want and how they see things that they couldn’t see you or your wants if you were painted bright red. They could give a hoot what you want unless of course it was in kahoots with what would work for them. Yet, they still want you to be around? The ones who keep it safe and well-controlled, who maintain a safe distance so when the time comes that they have to compromise or give you what you need, they dont have to because they can take you or leave you. Nothing invested-nothing lost. Because the mantra of the day is if you don’t care you don’t have to do anything different than what you want to do. I am attracted to extremely self-centered people who want me for what they need which is usually shallow and give a hoot about going full circle. This is my real problem. Luckily, I don’t fall for it for too long and cut it off at the first flags of bull. Although it can still be disappointing if I didn’t see it for a while and allowed myself to be vulnerable and trust.
On another note, where’s the little rainbow I’ve always kept in my front view always? I want it back. Where is that hope and happiness and innocense I’ve always had? I want it back. It feels all gone….it feels like I’ve been too disappointed on such a whole and at once…all at the same time…..that I can’t see it or believe in it anymore because it can be taken away, just like that. Is this the process that people go through who become the miserables? Is my spirit dying…..I don’t pray the way I always have anymore. I don’t trust it gets anywhere anymore. Almost a waste of time. For me to say this is unbelieveable. It’s so beyond the faith and trust I always felt that I myself am taken aback. I have been hurt deeply and it’s alot more prominant than I allow myself to feel because if I feel it, I will probably break very hard.