Not sure what it is, but I feel I keep coming back to a feeling of an underlying slump. That I am not here nor there. That against all of the “bloom where your planted” mantras, I don’t feel bloomatic. Rather, I feel like a fallen leaf winter stem of a flower sticking out of a patch of dirt on the ground kind of just there…swaying with the wind as it comes. Looking for a different garden but no garden feels right. All foreign.
I am sad. I am. Am I bored overall? Am I burnt out from the long hours I’ve been working? Am I missing love? Am I unappreciative of all that I do have? Do I miss California? Something isn’t sitting right and I find myself crying semi-often lately.
I don’t like lack of class. I feel I am around that alot lately and it really bothers me. Why? I like all kinds of people usually. All kinds. I guess just as long as at a certain distance? Or am I projecting something deeper that is going on with me. I’m not having that much fun I think. I am bored. Unstimulated. Waiting for that boom, that wave of enthusiasm to re-emerge. I’ve lost it.
Maybe I just don’t like where I am at. Maybe I am spoiled-wanting it all and not satisfied with just some. Maybe I am ambitious and not on an ambitious path and it is bothering me? I have been amis to some social people I have been around and I don’t like it….this is mean but it’s how I feel….a sort of white trash and I am extremely bothered and feel misplaced. Extremely. Why? It feels judgmental to say that and prima donna or better than but I don’t think that is where I am coming from….I just feel I don’t have the spin of things the way I would like them. The fun and excitement and I guess the stimulus….the stimulus of people similar to me or with similar interests and not wierdos who can’t see behind their own tv to live life….to skip down the street, to laugh out loud and go crazy…..who aren’t playing it safe…..
Am I just seeing my own life before me, getting older, getting simpler or has my surroundings been such that had made me leave New York at a very early age….it wasn’t my thing then…what makes me think it would be now…
I just want to know more people who live. A little sophistication. Not go to work and just survive.
(Not sure of exact date I wrote this but think it must have been 2008)