I’ve been meaning to write but have had such a plethora of emotion lately, I didn’t know where to start. So many goodbyes life brings about, along with anticipations and doubts of new hellos that sometime play “fear the reaper” I think, without us even realizing it. Fearing new hellos, or fearing there won’t ever be a new hello.
I guess, I am right now embracing the middle ground. Stuck after the goodbye but before the hello(s). “In the hallway” I believe they call it (when one door closes but the other hasn’t opened and you wait. In the hallway). The wait can represent not being ready to open the new door or, it may mean the door is not ready to be opened. It also might mean I am suppose to hang in the hallway for awhile. My gut tells me I’m suppose to be waiting in the hallway.
I believe the lesson for me here, is to be good being in the hallway. Be great being in the hallway. Which really is about being good with me. Being great with me. Process all of it, heal, forgive. Trust the process. Trust that it’s okay to leave behind what was not made right and move forward knowing it doesn’t have to be. That I will come out of the hallway when I am ready to. When I’m suppose to and most importantly, when the tracks have been assembled in the way I am suppose to choo-choo up them. Trust that if I open the door too early, I may take the wrong track and have to go back and forth again just to end up back in the hallway in front of the same door that I was suppose to wait for to be ready.
So for now, the hallway it is. Scary, sometimes lonely and lately even extremely sad. I have been feeling so much sadness in this hallway right now. Mourning, it feels like. Anger at times, hurt, but primarily sadness…oh yes, and powerlessness….Oh, that wonderful powerlessness. Surrendering to what is and what was. Oy…that’s a hard one….and probably why I have begun to mourn. Accepting I can’t make things be a certain way, can’t fix it, can’t change things and can’t have things that I guess I’m just not suppose to have. I guess real goodbyes. Yikes…..
I must say however, that I do feel grateful for being able to recognize all of this and in a corner of my mind and heart, I can see the good and the lessons that I am learning for myself. A bitter sweet process I guess.
So hallway, for a while, I guess it’s you and me, kid.