Awoke Saturday and for no apparent reason (that I am conscious of) with a lack of passion, feelings of loneliness, doubtful and overwhelmed. The feeling of what the heck are we all here for and what’s the “purpose”. What’s my purpose? Couldn’t kick it. I guess this is called the “being powerless over what feelings pop up at whatever given time” thing. Oy. It was like I was trapped in my skin and couldn’t get out of it. Everything was unsatifying and nothing “got me” excited or impassioned.
While in this, I did recognize I get this every once in a while and I reminded myself to understand this is what “living life on life’s terms” means. Not everything is going to be “wonderbah!” and sometimes I am just going to have weird days that feel “lul-ish” and I need to just trust it will pass (even though it feels like it won’t ever) and ride it out . So regardless of my “feelings”, I showed up to my day and took care of little things here and there that needed to be taken care of even if I was just going through the motions and not getting the enjoyment kick out of it that I usually do.
Then I awoke today, pretty much with those feelings not kicked. Rode the same wave and went through my day la-di-da, then kicked myself out of the house to take a walk in the park.
Nothing like a little nature to wake you up a little to life. Although I was still feeling lackadaisical, I had a pearl of wisdom pop in my head on that walk. I saw that what I did yesterday was build on my muscles that keep me from allowing “feelings” to dictate not showing up and taking care of the things that need to be taken care of (even if minor house chores or tasks). Something to be said with getting things done when the last thing you feel like doing is them. Feels good in a weird way. A certain accomplishment in itself.
Mostly, I realized on that walk about this “purpose” thing. I haven’t a clue and it scares the crap out of me sometimes if I think too hard about it. I can however look at it like I was thrown onto a life boat with a bunch of other people, we don’t know where the hell we are going or what lays over the horizon or if a shark is gonna come and eat one of us or all of us up any minute but in the meantime if I can make as much of the float full of strength, laughs, love and song (and do my share of rowing even on days I don’t want to) and maybe even help others sing along and lessen their blues (over the blues) then I guess that will have to do and can be purpose enough…(is there really another choice?)!